Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
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