I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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