Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
time to smoke my breakfast
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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