Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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