I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
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