Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
