Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
