You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
