Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
