I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Randomize
