I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
