I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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