How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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