I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
