It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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