I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Damn victory sex feels great
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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