Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I said "one day" and that day is not today
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
