Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
