Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
