i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
