Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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