your parents love me but you hate me
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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