I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
