I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
