im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
