I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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