Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
