There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize