When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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