He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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