Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
