wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
