We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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