hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
