In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
