Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
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