bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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