8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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