I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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