If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
