so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
