i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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