Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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