I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize