you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
