My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
