Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
