Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I have feelings that need drinking.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
