after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
