walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize