six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
