I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Everyone says I win the strip club
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
