I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize