after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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