I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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