i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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