And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
