If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize