When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
