living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
