Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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